I’m awake for no reason in particular. I have been since at least 4:48. I think about going downstairs to have a cigarette, but i don’t even really like smoking and don’t know if I ever did. Like everything else, it’s just something to pass the time.
My anxiousness about China is in league with everything else, the lease to where I will live, the taxes, my weight on my scale, the grades, even just going to class. When I wake up, I feel moments of blankness which is wonderful until I remember my anxiety. And then I don’t even know what I feel anxious about, it’s all jumbled together in my head, one big mess of tiny worries, each indistinguishable from the rest now, but equally pressing on my mind. Everything i do in my life as it is now is an attempt at escape, but there’s no way to get away for good.
As a last ditch effort, I tell my mom yesterday about my difficulties of doing things on my own. She just said she thought I wanted it that way. So now i realize I’d chosen being independent and difficult above comfort.
Now it’s 6:40 and I’ll stop thinking and go back to sleep.